Unrequited Love
by Hoogiman
Summary: COMPLETE! They don't know it, but the Smashers are trapped in a gigantic circle of unrequited love. Chapter Nine: Things get physical between Fox, Falcon and the fairies.
1. Marth and Roy

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

**_Chapter One_  
**_Marth and Roy_

The limousine came to a stop at the entrance of the hotel. Marth, grinning, stepped out and took a warm breath of tropical air. A lobby worker pulled the suitcases out of the back of the car, and wheeled them along until the bags were inside the hotel. The bags fell over violently, and the worker opened up his hand, expecting a tip. Marth rolled his eyes, and spat in the worker's hands.

The worker started to shout out colourful profanities, before Marth pointed to his crown. The worker, realising he was of some importance ceased his rude behaviours and quickly wheeled the bags to the reception desk. At the desk, he met a long line of well-paid businessmen holding large suitcases, where he then barged his way through to the front of the line. Roy, still in awe at the sight of the lobby, gently manoeuvred his way to the front of the line to the desk.

"So will that be two singles?" asked the lady at the front of the desk.

"Actually," said Marth, grinning suggestively, "A double please? Actually, make that the suite!"

As the lady searched for the keys, Roy gave Marth a weird look. "Why can't we just have two singles? We're just here for business purposes!"

"Thank you." Marth grinned, and took the keys.

"Why couldn't we just have taken two singles?" asked Roy, slightly uncomfortable.

"Because in a suite," said Marth grinning, pressing the elevator button, "We can spend more time together."

"But we spend so much time together anyway!" said Roy, holding the elevator open and stepping inside. "I don't **need **to spend more time with you!"

Fox stepped in, holding a gigantic expensive bouquet of flowers.

"Hey, nice flowers there," said Marth suavely, "Who are they for?"

"Well uh…" grinned Fox hopefully, "They're for you! I just wanted to tell you that I – I love you…"

"Hahaha!" laughed Marth, going into stitches, "No really, who are they for? Nice April Fool's prank, you almost had me there!"

Fox's top lip throbbed up and down, and a tear ran down his cheek. Fox pressed a button inside the lift and after the door opened, ran out crying. The door closed.

"Well what's his problem?" asked Marth.

The elevator opened, revealing the top floor, the design of which was more exquisite than the lobby itself. An amazed Roy stepped out, jaw-dropped.

"It's… it's beautiful…" said Roy, flabbergasted.

"So are you," said Marth grinning, opening the door.

"Thanks?" replied Roy, slightly confused.

Marth grinned.

"So anyway," said Roy uncomfortably, trying to distance himself from Marth, "When are these Smash promotional things happening? I mean, it mustn't take more than a few days."

"Actually, it's in two days time," said Marth, walking up to a stunned Roy, who backed away so far that he was pressed against a solid metal window. "We came here early."

"Then what are we doing here?" said a still unaware Roy.

"Look," said Marth gulping, putting his hand on Roy's shoulder, "The main reason I went on this trip with you is so… we could spend time together. I really… really like you… and I just want to say that…"

"Oh no," said Roy defensively, "No, I'm sorry Marth, but, before you get your hopes up too high, I'm sorry, but I'm not romantically interested in you! I'm already in love with someone! And even if I thought I was attracted to you… I still think that the person I love would appreciate me more than you! You're a nice guy Marth, but there are plenty of other people that want your love; but I'm not one of them!"

A tear rolled down Marth's cheek, as Roy made a swift exit. He had been heartbroken. The person that he had loved for all of these years did not feel the same way about him. He felt like something inside him had devoured his organs and left him to feel like nothing. Marth felt worthless. Who else would love him? The only person that he was truly in love with did not feel the same way, and it seemed that it could take years before someone else could-

The doorbell rang.

"Hello?" asked Marth, opening the door, still crying.

"Hey Marth, I just wanted to say," said Fox hopefully, "I really… really like you… and I just want to say that…"

"How **dare** you mock me!" said Marth angrily, slamming the door into Fox's face. "I can't believe you would listen in on us like that! Are you **trying **to embarrass me?"

Fox's upper lip throbbed up and down, and he broke into tears.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	2. Samus and Falco

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

**_Chapter Two_  
**_Samus and Falco_

Perched on the branch of a tree, Samus held the ten dollar pair of binoculars up to her eyes eagerly, looking in on Falco's room. Exhausted, Falco walked into his room, sat himself down on his bed and removed his shoes by a flicking motion with his ankle.

"Hey!" said an excited Samus to herself eagerly, "I do that when I take off my shoes too!"

Falco took off his tank top, and gazed at himself in the mirror, smiling suavely.

"I sometimes look in the mirror too!" said Samus to herself, "Wow! Me and Falco have so much in common!"

Falco flexed his ripping bird-like biceps, stroking them with his hands, muttering something to himself. As he continued to observe his own masculine body in the mirror, he thought he noticed someone atop a tree branch outside looking at him. Samus momentarily panicking, trying not to get caught jumped off the branch five metres onto the ground. Somehow managing to land on a crouching position despite the awkward fall, she stood up, exhaling a sigh of relief. Still relieved, she looked forward, but jumped again when she saw Roy, an intrusive ruler-length distance away from her.

"Uh… hi… I guess?" said Samus very slowly, displaying her typical lack of sociability.

"I guess you saved the world a few times, but you can't seem to balance on a tree," laughed Roy.

Samus looked weirdly at Roy, and then walked off.

"What do I have to do to get her attention?" said Roy, confused and slightly saddened.

A few minutes later, Samus, wearing her camouflage gear over her suit, climbed her way back up the tree to find Falco was gone from his room. She somersaulted her way off the tree branch back onto the ground, to find Falco making his way with a towel to the communal showers.

"Hey Falco," said Samus hopefully, "Do you want to shower with me? Together?"

Falco stared at Samus as if he woke up to find a bleeding body all over him, with the blood covering his skin and his DNA all over the body.

"Is this… some kind of cruel April Fool's Joke?" said Falco angrily. "Nobody showers in the communal bathroom together! What do you think the word **communal **is for? Is it for it to be shared?"

As Falco walked off, a thought occurred to Samus, "_Hey, I can have a look at Falco's room now, and see if he actually loves me!!_"

She dashed her way up a flight of stairs, ran down the empty hallway, opened the door of Falco's room and looked inside. Samus violently rummage through a few drawers, tossed out a few unnecessary pieces of expensive jewellery and watches, before finding a pencilled colourful diary that looked like something that a 70's teenage gal would keep.

She flicked through the pages, ripping any that did not having anything to do with her, before finding a colourful drawing of a love heart, containing the text: 'Falco and Link 4evr!'

Samus, jaw-dropped, angrily stomped her way to the communal bathroom, kicking down the door, angrily looking at Falco, before realising that Falco was in the same, open, ten-by-ten metre shower as Link.

"H- how could you?" cried Samus angrily, "Falco, I thought we were meant for each other! But you had to pick **him**? This ugly Hyrulian filth?"

"Samus, I kind of like you, but the person I really love is Link right here!" said a naked Falco, hugging Link.

Link resisted and pushed Falco away, "Wait… Falco, do you love me?"

"I'm sure you already knew that!" said Samus angrily, punching Link in the face.

"Ow!" said Link, crumpling to the ground.

"Falco, I really love you!" cried Samus, whilst giggling like a kid on the inside after touching Falco's muscles.

"But Link is the guy for me!" said Falco, "He is my only true love!"

"I don't love you Falco!" said Link confused, "I didn't even know you liked me!"

"That's not true!" cried Samus so loud that she cut off Link, "You don't love him! You're **my **only love! No one else but you likes me! You're the only one!"

"That's not true!" said Roy, walking in, "I love you Samus, and **you're **the one that's mistaken!"

"Okay," said Falco crying angrily, "Maybe I'll go with Link and you go with Roy, we'll be happy that way!"

"I don't love you!" said Link angrily.

"I don't love Roy!" said Samus angrily.

"But I love you!" said Falco to Link.

"But I love you!" said Roy to Samus.

"EVERYONE!" screamed Link, finally standing up for himself, "The only person here that I love is Zelda, and I will remain faithful to her!"

Zelda walked in. "Link, I'm in love with someone else!"

…

Everybody broke into tears. The crying went on for a few minutes, before it ceased, and everybody remained quiet.

…

Jigglypuff ran in, wearing a girl scout's hat. "_Who wants cookies?_"

Everyone was naked and crying.

"_Okay… not a good time…_" said Jigglypuff, backing out.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	3. Link and Zelda

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

**_Chapter Three_  
**_Link and Zelda_

"It's beautiful," said Zelda, looking at the giant smorgasbord of expensive pastas, pizzas and breads laid in front of her on an antique, wooden table. "Thank you for this."

"Anything to impress _my love_," said Link, sitting down on a chair next to Zelda, resting his arm on her shoulder.

As Zelda tried not to make her sigh audible, she suddenly realised what great food she had been presented with. She also realised how the person that presented her the food was not so great. Trying to express a level of thanks, she hesitantly picked up a fork, stabbed a piece of the Margherita with it, slowly brought it to her mouth, chewed and swallowed. Enjoying the taste, she let out a nice 'mmm'.

"I thought you would enjoy it," said Link, trying to sound gentlemanly-like.

Zelda jumped backwards, mainly because she forgot Link was so close and so invasive of her personal space, knocking a plate off the table, spilling the contents on Link's relatively expensive Persian rug.

"Oh, I am so sorry," said Zelda. "The meal is great though!"

"That's okay…" said Link, trying to sound nice, "If we are in love together, we have to accept each other's faults!"

"But that was an accident!" said Zelda angrily, "Are you saying I'm uncoordinated?"

"No," said Link defensively, "I was just trying to be nice by saying, you can get rid of all of my material possessions, but I will still love you."

"Uh… about the whole love thing," said Zelda, anxiously trying to get to the point, "What I'm trying to say is that I'm not really that attracted to-"

Zelda knocked a glass of Coke off the table, spilling on Link's Persian rug.

"I am **so sorry**," said Zelda, regretfully, "I really must be more-"

"It's okay…" said Link cheerfully, "If we are in love together, we have to accept each other's faults!"

"Are you calling me unco? Because you've said that twice!" said Zelda angrily.

"I was just saying-"

"Are you serious, you don't have a problem if I just say… do this?" asked Zelda, grabbing a bunch of cherries from her pocket and smearing it on the rug, staining it several times. "You seriously must be ultimately downright retarded if you actually think that way!"

"But Zelda," said Link, "I love you, and I'm a forgiving person, so whatever you do to my material possessions I will not-"

"What about now?" said Zelda angrily, opening a keg of red wine and spilling it on the rug.

"I don't care!" said Link, slightly angrily, "After all, I love-"

"What about now?" shrieked Zelda, running to the supermarket, buying various creamy-staining sauces and spilling them over the floor.

"I love you, so-"

"What about now?" yelled Zelda, calling Jigglypuff on her mobile phone, inviting her into Link's room to trash the place. Jigglypuff ran in, and with a spear, broke all of Link's electrical appliances, shattering them into tiny little pieces.

"I don't honestly care," said Link confidently, "As long as I love you, I will never-"

"Now?" asked Zelda, buying several Sonic games from the internet under his credit card.

"Okay, maybe I care a bit," said Link angrily, "But I love you, so what ever you do wrong, I will forgive you!"

"I don't love you!" screamed Zelda angrily, "You should have gotten the point with all of the hints I gave you about my dislike of you! I'm in love with someone else who is much more… uh… lovable than you! I just don't love you! That's it!"

Zelda stormed out. Link started to shed tears.

Falco ran in. "Link, this is the best time to ask you out, so do you wanna?"

Link angrily slammed the door on Falco's face.

Zelda knocked on a door, covered with happy stickers of happy people, fulfilling their lives to the full extent.

Pit opened the door.

"Pit, I just wanted to tell you," said Zelda eagerly, "I love you, you are the love of my life, I don't want anyone else but you!"

"Uh… sorry to burst your bubble," said Pit anxiously, "But… I don't really… love you back… so…"

Pit quickly shut the door on Zelda.

"What am I doing wrong?" said Zelda anxiously, "I know he loves me, but, I just think he's too shy! Does he think it's a joke? Because it's not! Maybe he's just hiding the fact that he loves me and-"

"I don't love you!" shouted Pit from inside his room.

"Yes, he's in denial," said Zelda smugly.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	4. Pit and Falcon

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

**_Chapter Four_  
**_Pit and Falcon_

"Hey Falcon," said Pit, knocking on Falcon's smutty-magazine-poster-filled door, holding a basket full of towels.

"Hello?" asked Falcon, opening the door, wearing only a towel and a ninja hat.

"Uh well," said Pit, glowing slightly from embarrassment, "I was just in the laundry… and I found your towels… so I decided to fold them up here so neatly!"

"Uh… thanks?" asked Falcon, taking the towels.

Captain Falcon and Pit went silent for several moments. No sound was made except the angelic music let out by the glow of Pit.

"So anyway I was thin-"

"No! I'm not in love with you!" said Captain Falcon angrily. "I'm not in love with you, nor do I have the sexual orientation that you think that I have! I am not attracted to you at all!"

"But I was just dropping off laundry, and I-" said Pit, a small tear drooping down his chin.

"If you were just dropping off laundry," said Captain Falcon, "You would have just given it to me, and not stayed! You're in love with me! Face it!"

"But it's just part of my angelic ways that I like everything to be ordered and perfect, and that I-"

"I don't love you!" said Captain Falcon angrily.

"This is preposterous!" said Pit, slightly annoyed, "All I'm trying to do is make some conversation and-"

"Stop being attracted to me! I don't love you! I don't swing that way!" said Falcon, "I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am! There are plenty of people who are in love with you! Go to them!"

"But I love you so much!" cried Pit, crying angelic tears that healed the cracks in the floorboards. "Every day, I can't stop thinking about you! When I am around you, you make me feel so comfortable! How can't you love me, Falcon? How cannot you love me?"

"Because it simply just does not work for me!" said Falcon, "I just… don't find anything attractive about you, or men in general! I'm sorry, but it's the truth! I can't change it!"

Pit ran off, crying.

"What's wrong Pit?" asked Zelda, holding a tray of oven-baked aloe vera cookies.

"Falcon doesn't love me!" said Pit, sobbing, "I thought he was the one from me, but he doesn't love me back!"

"But I love you," said Zelda, resting her hand on Pit's arm.

"Uh…" said Pit in a deep voice, suddenly ceasing to cry, "I need to… go to the bathroom… not to evade you so I don't have to feel uncomfortable…"

Pit dashed away past the bathroom, up several flights of stairs into the furthest bathroom on the fifth floor.

"Anyway Fox," said Falcon, stroking Fox's fur with his fingers lustfully, "How about you and me, and some lovin-fun', that's three!"

"Uh…" said Fox uncomfortably, "I thought you were just lecturing Pit about how you weren't… you know… 'swinging that way'?"

"Oh, but I swing very well for you," said Captain Falcon smiling deviously, unbuttoning Fox's blue, cotton shirt.

"But uh… Falcon… I don't love you… maybe you should go for Pit or something…" said Fox, trying to hold his pants up. "So you can stop… that unsettling behaviour if you'd like…"

"Oh what? No," laughed Falcon, trying to think up of an excuse, "No, the strange behaviour had nothing to do with it, heh, heh! I don't love you, it was just… a joke! Yeah… a joke! Okay, heh, I'll be off now!"

Falcon ran away crying, tripping over several elementary schoolers on the way out.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	5. Fox and Marth

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

**_Chapter Five_  
**_Fox and Marth_

Fox knocked on Marth's door, wearing expensive clothing not limited to: a cool black leather jacket, an expensive cotton-button shirt that was buttoned unevenly, a cap worn backwards (to hide the educational message) and dark shades. Doing his cool dance moves, he boogied down into Marth's room.

"Uh… hi?" asked Marth, very confused.

"Do you love me now that I have cool shades?" asked Fox.

"No," said Marth, now on 'slightly annoyed' mode. "I'll never love you! I only love Roy!"

Fox slumped in sadness.

Comedically, a light bulb appeared out of Fox's head, and he dashed out, leaving a trail of smoke behind him and the floorboards alight. As Marth stared slightly annoyed at the doorway where Fox was, Fox zipped back into the room, wearing a stretchy pair of designer jeans.

"Well… uh…" said Fox immaturely, "Will you love me now that I have **_designer jeans_**?"

"No!" said Marth in a princelylike voice, "Material possessions or looks or all of the money in the world could not change the status of my love for you: nonexistent!"

Fox started to whimper.

"Look Fox," said Marth, switching to empathy mode, "I know you are attracted to me, but I am attracted to Roy, and I think I am in love with him! But he doesn't seem to be in love with me, so I **must **compile a list of all of the things he loves so he will **instantly fall in love with me**!"

A triumphant four-second song played on Kirby's record player next door.

"But Marth…" said Fox, scrunching up his face in confusion, "I thought you were just talking about how material things will not change people's love for one another!"

…

…

"Look Fox, do you want me to love you or not?" said Marth angrily.

"But I thought you were saying before that you didn't love me and nothing could-"

"Well if you compile a list of all of Roy's turn-ons, likes, dislikes and favourite activities, then maybe I'll love you," said Marth rolling his eyes, improvising.

"Oh, goodie!" screamed Fox like a little girl, running out of the room.

"Come in," said Roy, tapping away at his keyboard as he heard a knock.

"Uh… hi…" said Fox nervously, walking in.

"What is it?" said Roy curiously.

"Um…" said Fox, tapping his finger on his chin as he thought, "Uh… not to sound intrusive or sound like I'm spying on behalf of someone else so they can try to convince you that they love you, but can you compile a list of your likes, dislikes, turn-ons and favourite activities?"

"Oh," chuckled Roy in a 70's sitcom-esque way, "Well that's funny, because I was just compiling a list just like that a few minutes ago!"

"Really?" said Fox hopefully, "Well can I see it?"

"No," said a defensive Roy instantaneously. "You can't have it! You'll never be able to look at this!"

"Uh… well…" said Fox, stalling.

Fox took the printer and ran off.

…

"I didn't print the file off, you know! You should have stolen the computer!" called Roy.

"Oh, well can you print it?" asked Fox.

Roy pressed a key on the computer, printing the file.

"Wait…" said Roy.

**Several Minutes Later…**

"Here you go, I got the list!" said Fox proudly. "Now will you love me?"

"No!" said Marth, switching to 'annoying character in film who meets his death via shredding machine near the end' mode. "Hahaha, I just used you, and I bet you feel like nothing!"

Fox ran off crying, buckets of tears running down his cheek.

"Now to impress Roy so he can love me again!" said Marth suavely.

**Several Minutes Later…**

"You have to love me now, non-lover boy!" said Marth walking into the room in a stylish manner, "Because I have just bought out of my pocket absolutely **everything you love **in exchange for **your love to me**!"

Roy stared blankly, very confused.

"For your favourite activities, two large balls of cotton to knit," said Marth smiling.

"Teehee," giggled Roy like a Girl Scout high on Girl Scout cookies.

"For your dislikes… a list of all of Peach's allergies!" said Marth happily.

"Teehee," laughed Roy, evilly.

"For your likes… a pony!" said Marth.

"What did you do to Epona? She's missing a leg!" said Link, running into the room shocked.

"And finally, for turn-ons, Samus holding a **horse's leg**!" said Marth suavely. "Now do you love me now that I've given you everything you want in life?"

Roy was too busy attempting to kiss Samus through her suit to reply.

"Get off me," said Samus, being disturbed by the fact that someone was trying to kiss her from outside the suit.

"Roy? Do you love me?" asked Marth, confused.

Roy was too busy attempting to kiss Samus through her suit to reply.

"ROY-hoy-hoy!" screamed Marth, running out crying.

Silence.

"Uh… I'd recommend not touching me again," said Samus angrily, holding the horse leg in the grip of a baseball bat.

"Touch!" said Roy playfully, putting a finger on Samus's suit.

Samus hit Roy with the horse's leg.

Roy passed out.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	6. Roy and Samus

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

**_Chapter Six_  
**_Roy and Samus_

Samus, full of rage and anger, violently clipped her fingernails, lashing the nails metres away as she pulled them off. Still full of rage, she crushed several oranges with her bare fists, posted some angry messages on the 'Falco Fan Club' message board, crushed several cats with her bare hands and then hired professional hackers to vandalise Falco's homepage.

Roy, being the gentleman he was elegantly walked into Samus's room and sat down next to her. In an overly sweet 'as if he were talking to a child' voice, he said, "Aww… is Samus angry? I can cheer you up!"

"Can't you see… this is not the time?" said Samus angrily, pointing to the siren going off on the 'Samus Anger Meter' on her wall.

"Well I wrote a lovely Altean poem for you, if that will cheer you up," said Roy, grinning. "And it has an accompanying song!"

Roy picked up a guitar, strummed a 'G' and hummed along with it in his sweet voice.

"Not the time!" said Samus, hiring professional hackers to hack the 'Roy Fan Club Website'.

"Aww… why is the Samus sad?" said Roy, still teasing, "Is he…"

"She!" said Samus angrily.

"Sometimes I forget that," said Roy, stroking the part of Samus's suit at the biceps. "You're so strong! And cute too!"

Samus punched Roy in the face, "Am I cute now?"

"Y- yees," said Roy, passing out.

Samus walked over to Falco's room and invited herself in.

"H- Hi Falco!" said Samus.

"Hi," said Falco angrily, posting angry messages on the 'Link Fan Forums'.

"I'm angry at someone **too**!" said Samus angrily, "And that's you!"

"Why's that?" said Falco.

"I… I can't think of a way to say this…" said Samus, "It's really… really hard to kind of talk about… it's a bit uncomfortable saying this…"

Falco walked out of the room.

"But I just need to tell you the right words…" said Samus, "What I've really trying to tell you, and I'm not sure if you knew this before or not but…"

Roy walked in, and sat on the chair.

"I love you so much! I really do! You are the love of my life!" said Samus, finally blurting it out.

"Really?" said Roy, whose eyes were literally turning into love hearts.

"No!" said Samus, punching Roy in the face, still surprised that Roy answered.

Samus walked out, and angrily stormed into Link's room.

"I just wanted to say…" said Falco, trying to think of the right words, "I really think we have something and…"

Samus poured a bucket of fish over Falco's head.

"Well Falco," said Link, "I was going to say I loved you too, but I can't now that you have all of that fish all over your head! So I guess I don't love you then!"

Falco broke into tears.

"It's going to be alright!" said Samus, stroking Falco's abs.

"You ruined my chances of true love!" said Falco, sobbing.

"Well Falco, I've actually been meaning to tell you something…" said Samus, "It's a bit hard to say… but… I- I love you!"

"But I don't love you!" said Falco.

"Well… I'm going to have to hurt you then!" said Samus angrily. "Until… you love me!"

"I'm not going to!" said Falco angrily.

"Well, if you breathe, you love me!" said Samus, acting like an angry eight year old.

Falco did not breathe.

"Oh yeah? Well if I can see you in three seconds, you love me!" said Samus, sticking her tongue out.

Bowser fell through the ceiling of the third floor, collecting Falco, breaking the second storey floor and landing on the ground.

"I hate this game," said Samus.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	7. Falco and Link

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

_**Chapter Seven**_**  
**_Falco and Link_

"Hey Link," said Falco suavely, walking into Link's room, "I was just around when I realised how **hot **it was outside, so I decided to take off my shirt to reveal my attractive body!"

"Whaddaya think?" said Falco, flexing his arms, oblivious to the fact that Link was in tears and had cried for so long that there was a puddle of tears there, as well as several passed-out Smashers who also did not notice the puddle of tears.

Falco stopped thinking about his posture and noticed Link, crying.

"Zelda ran away! She doesn't love me anymore!" said Link, sobbing.

"There, there, I'm sure she'll love you again," said Falco, trying to hide the gigantic grin that was pushing through.

"Thanks Falco," said Link, cheering up slightly.

"Maybe she's not the right one for you though," said Falco, trying to sound as subtle as he could, "Maybe there other people, say _bird-like _creatures that want your love!"

Falco did the ol' 'suggestive eye-twitching motion' move.

"Falco, are you suggesting that you-"

"Uh… nothing…" said Falco nervously, "How about a backrub to help you feel better?"

"Sure," said Link, "You're such a great friend, Falco!"

Falco poured some expensive, exotic oil on Link's back.

"Uh… you just dirtied my shirt…" said Link.

"Well, that's okay," said Falco, taking off Link's shirt. "I guess you'll just have to _take it off _then."

"Hey, thanks for the free, non-sexual back rub Falco!" said Link unsuspectingly.

"That's okay," said Falco, '_accidentally_' pouring some sauce on Link's back.

"Did you spill something?" said Link, smiling naively.

"Oh don't worry, I'll lick it off," said Falco, grinning cunningly.

"Okay, I'll give you permission!" said Link innocently.

Falco slowly leant down, sticking his tongue out as he came closer to Link's soft, overly moisturised back. With glee, he licked the sauce off, then resting his head on Link's right shoulder. Massaging his arms, he whispered, "Did you like that, Link?"

"Um… I guess?" said Link, confused.

"Good then," said Falco, swallowing the sauce, but then realising that the sauce was not actually sauce but sauce-flavoured insecticide, passing out.

"Falco? Are you alright?" said Link, jumping off the bed, and sitting on top of Falco.

Zelda walked in. "Hey Link, I just realised what a fool I was, I really love you!"

Zelda noticed that Link was sitting on top of Falco, without a shirt.

"Aah! Link! What are you doing?" said Zelda, shocked.

"I love you Link," said Falco, waking up in a daze.

"Okay, fine then! Be with Falco! See how I care!" said Zelda, running out in tears.

"Zelda!" said Link, saddened.

…

"You know," said Falco suavely, "Seeing that you're sitting on top of me and all… does that mean-"

"What Falco?" said Link unsuspectingly.

Falco gave Link a long, tongue kiss.

"I love you so much," said Falco.

"Uh…" said Link, still unsuspecting, "What are you talking about, Falco?"

"GAAH! GET IT INTO YOUR THICK SKULL!" said Falco angrily, hitting Link over the head with a chair.

Link died.

Falco stormed out.

Zelda walked in.

"Link, maybe I was wrong," said Zelda, "Well, I think I really love you this time!"

Link was dead.

"Well I can't love you if you're dead!" said Zelda angrily, storming out.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	8. Zelda and Pit

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

_**Chapter Eight  
**__Zelda and Pit_

Zelda sat there, placed on her table, trying to figure out a poem that she could write to dedicate to her love.

"I am lost for words," said Zelda, smiling in admiration, "There is so much to love about him! His angelic voice, his angelic way that he changes in front of his mirror and poses!"

Zelda looked at her computer screen, showing footage from the secret webcam she installed in Pit's room.

"His angelic touch, his angelic glow around him," said Zelda, "But I have no idea how to start my poem!"

Link walked into the room, holding a piece of paper, reciting, "Zelda, I am lost for words, there is so much to love about you."

Link grinned at Zelda hopefully, trying to put on his serious-poetic face.

"I love your angelic voice, your angelic touch, your angelic glow," said Link, playing a harp tune that he had practiced for the last six years, waiting up until this moment.

Zelda stared blankly at Link. "Link, that's sweet, but I don't love you. In fact, I loathe you, the entire time it has been a lie!"

Link ignored Zelda, and continued, "I love the angelic way you change in front of your mirror and the angelic way that you-"

"That's enough!" said Zelda angrily, hitting Link with a chair leg dozens of times.

Zelda stole Link's poem.

"Sucker," she laughed, "All of that hard effort and I just steal it!"

Zelda cackled evilly, and ran into Pit's room.

"Pit?" said Zelda, trying to sound as sweet as she could, "I dedicated a poem to you, my love!"

Zelda put her blood-stained hand on Pit's cheek, smothering his face in Link's blood.

"AAAAGH! THE BLOOD! IT BURNS!" screamed Pit, rolling on the floor.

"I love your angelic voice, your angelic touch, your angelic glow," said Zelda, oblivious to Pit's violent movement.

"OH GAWD THIS IS MY ONLY WEAKNESS: HUMAN BLOOD! WE'RE DOOMED ZELDA I TELL YOU, DOOMED!" screamed Pit, "I AM THE SINGLE GUARDIAN-"

"I love the angelic way you change in front of your mirror and the angelic way that you pose," said Zelda, trying to sound as sweet as she could.

"So that's what that webcam was doing in my room!" said Pit angrily, stopping the violent 'oh noes we're doomed' actions.

…

…

"I thought you were saying the world was doomed two minutes ago," said Zelda angrily.

"Well it is!" said Pit angrily.

…

…

"Well can I make out with you if we're doomed?" said Zelda hopefully.

…

"Um… well we're not actually as doomed as I made it out to be," said Pit, trying to avoid all contact with Zelda.

"Well can I 'not actually as make out as a make out but nonetheless a make out anyway make out' with you?" said Zelda.

"No," said Pit, slamming the door on Zelda's face.

Zelda started to cry.

"There, there," said Link, "Everything will be fine. Do you want to kiss?"

"Sure," said Zelda, holding up a Pit mask.

"Uh…" said Link, confused, "Why are you holding up that?"

"Wear it, I say! I am a princess!" said Zelda, force feeding Link the mask.

Link choked to his death.

"Oh," said Zelda.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


	9. Falcon and Fox

Unrequited Love  
By Hoogiman

_**Chapter Nine  
**__Falcon and Fox_

Falcon walked into Fox's room.

"Hi Fox," said Falcon suavely, wafting the scent of his cologne, the Attract-o-nizer 400 onto Fox's body.

"Oh, hi!" said Fox in an innocently cute way. "What is it Falcon?"

"I just wanted to tell you that when you talk I-"

Continued an oblivious Fox, "I keep on sending these e-Valentines to Marth but he _always_ changes his e-mail address for no apparent reason so I have to ask all of his Facebook and Myspace contacts for his new one! Maybe he has a _stalker_ or something!"

Falcon rolled his eyes, Fox pondered in deep thought.

Fox trembled worriedly, "And why **hasn't** he added me to his Facebook! I **know** he loves me but maybe he thinks I'm a different Fox… like uh…"

"Okay," said Falcon angrily, "I hate your talk, _more_ body."

Said a puzzled Fox, "What do you mean by more-"

Fox noticed his shirt was being mystically unbuttoned by magical processes.

"Teehee, the fairies are unbuttoning my shirt again!" said Fox cutely, putting his hands back on his buttons.

"You're so cute," said Falcon, slapping Fox's hands off the buttons of his shirt.

"Aah!" screamed Fox, terrified, "The fairies slapped my hands!"

"That's uh…" said Falcon sighing, "…beyond being cute and just starting to become very annoyi-"

"I need to tell somebody!" said Fox, panicking, "I have to tell the fairy police that-"

"Shut up," said Falcon angrily, duct taping Fox to the wall in an affectionate manner.

"Are we playing dress-up?" said Fox cutely.

"Eh, the opposite of that," said Falcon suavely.

"Ooh, so like, suit-down?" said Fox cutely.

"Clothes off!" said Falcon demandingly.

"Ah," said Fox.

…

"You know…" said Fox, noticing he had no shirt, "Maybe the fairies should-"

"There's no fairies! I'm unbuttoning your shirt!" said Falcon angrily but in a suave manner as well.

"Oh," said Fox.

…

"So why are you unbuttoning my shirt, fairies?" said Fox curiously, noticing the fairies were forcefully trying to undo his tight belt.

"No!" said Falcon angrily but affectionately, "Fairies do not exist!"

"They do!" shouted Fox angrily, "You're lying!"

Pit poked his head through Fox's door randomly.

"If fairies did exist, well I'd… I'd do anything for them!" laughed Falcon arrogantly. "I'd even… uh… **love them! **Yeah… fairies… sexy… and what not…"

Pit ran off excitedly.

"Well," said Pit to himself, giggling, "I'm not really a fairy… I'm an angel but… yay! Falcon loves me!"

Pit ran off excitedly even more.

"Okay, fairies don't exist," sighed Fox, "But why are you taking off my clothes?"

"Because I love you," said Falcon.

"But I can't love you!" said Fox sadly, "Because I only love Marth!"

Marth stormed into the room.

"I don't love you!" said Marth angrily.

Marth stormed out.

"See?" said Fox happily, "We're together!"

"He just said he didn't love you," said Falcon.

"He doesn't mean that," said Fox happily, "It's a figure of speech, it's sarcasm! He does love me!"

"No I don't!" shouted Marth angrily from several rooms away.

"So I'll only ever be affectionate to Marth!" said Fox, determined.

"Oh," whimpered Falcon.

…

"Well that's okay," said Falcon suavely, "Uh… I'm Marth!"

"Yippee!" said Fox excitedly.

They made out.

…

Fox choked on some fur and began to gag.

"You're disgusting!" screamed Fox, "I just choked on your fur!"

…

"You're the one that's covered in fur!" said Falcon angrily.

Fox inspected his body.

"So it is," said Fox.

…

"Yeah…" said Falcon.

…

"Yep," said Fox.

"Yeah…" said Falcon.

Wario ran in and f-

Falcon killed Wario.

"Yay!" cheered Fox.

…

"Can I poke him?" said Fox.

"HE'S MINE!1" screamed a hysterical Falcon, frothing at the mouth.

**The End**

Disclaimer: The Super Smash Brothers characters are the property of Nintendo.


End file.
